Forget the Weirdos. Beware Uncles and Cousins Who Seem too Friendly
Herewith, Satirium’s checklist for determining if you are the family oddity at Thanksgiving dinner.
– Uncle Howard is convinced you are his cousin Nate from Omaha on his mother’s side, even though Nate has been dead at least 20 years.
– The place cards have you sitting at a card table at the far end of the room with all the children under age 10.
– Aunt Sheryl fingers your cardigan sweater and says in her syrupy way, “What a lovely sweater, Hon. I have an excellent dry cleaner, a little Korean man, who could really breathe new life into this.”
– Someone you’ve never met before buttonholes you in the laundry room and carries on about Omaha, Nebraska politics and asks if you will introduce him to Warren Buffett.
– Uncle Robinson — Aunt Sue’s husband and the putative host — opens the dinner by announcing that Cousin Nate from Omaha, who is an ordained minister, will give the blessing.
– An expectant hush falls over the room, and only when the children at your table begin twittering do you realize that you are Reverend Nate.
– You stumble to your feet, mumble, “God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for this food. Amen.”
– After a moment of stunned silence, Uncle Robinson shouts, “Amen, Brother Nate. Let’s eat, you turkeys.”
– Aunt Sue plops a turkey leg dripping grease on your plate — convulsing all the children at your card table — and says, “Be a sweetheart, Nate, and eat this, or else there won’t be enough white meat to go around.”
– After dinner, you join everyone else in the living room and regale them with tales about the homeless shelter you run in Omaha as part of your church’s outreach program.
– As everyone says their farewells, Aunt Sheryl hands you a heaping plate of leftovers covered with plastic wrap. “This is for the poor souls back at your shelter, Nate. God bless you and your good works,” she says.
– Back home at your apartment, Wormwood, your dog, is overjoyed at your return. You give him the a prominent item from your plate of leftovers : The other turkey leg.