First, Do Something about Fatties and Crying Babies
Bob: Welcome to Burning Questions, the program where we get to the bottom. I’m Mister Bob. Our guest today is Charles de Vie, a well-known expert. And our burning question is: Should the airlines have a dress code?
Charles: What the airlines should do is ban babies. No babies on airplanes.
Bob: But our Burning Question today is should the airlines have a dress code?
Charles: I don’t know about dress codes, but do I know there should be no screaming babies on airplanes, unless maybe you’ve chartered your own private jet. In that case, bring whatever the — bleep — you want.
Bob: But for the masses who fly on giant jets, should there be a dress code?
Charles: Speaking as a well-known expert, I think fat people should be kept off airplanes.
Bob: Perhaps fat people should have a dress code for flying on the airlines?
Charles: They should just stay the hell off, unless they buy two tickets for two seats side by side. And they shouldn’t belch or pass too much gas.
Bob: But how do you think they should dress, these fat people? Should there be a fat person dress code for air travel?
Charles: I suppose they could be required to wear slimming clothes.
Bob: So you do favor some form of dress code for the airlines?
Charles: Don’t put words in my mouth. What I really think is that babies and fat people shouldn’t fly.
Bob: If fat people wore slimming clothes to fly on the airlines, who would be the arbiter of what is slimming and what is not?
Charles: I suppose you could have a slimming clothes device in the waiting area that would approve or disapprove your clothes as to whether they were slimming or not.
Bob: And everyone would go through this screening machine?
Charles: Of course not! Only fat people.
Bob: But who would decide who is fat enough to need the slimming clothes and should go through the machine?
Charles: Fat people know who they are.
Bob: They would police themselves?
Charles: Speaking as a well-known expert, I don’t think you could trust fat people to police themselves. They would always be trying to sneak in among the thin people.
Bob: And vice versa?
Charles: Absolutely! Everyone in our society wants to be something they are not.
Bob: Thin people want to be fat?
Charles: Of course. They had to be thin before they became fat.
Bob: And fat people want to be thin?
Charles: Naturally! They want to return to themselves.
Bob: So then, I must ask, on the airlines should thin people wear fattening clothes, just as fat people would have to wear slimming clothes?
Charles: Probably so.
Bob: At last we finally get to the bottom. You do favor a dress code for the airlines, at least a modified dress code.
Charles: What I favor is that babies should not be allowed to fly on the airlines, certainly if they insist on crying. Let them take a boat or a train or a bus. Or walk. Yes! Let babies walk.
Bob: There you have it, Charles de Vie, well known expert, supports the idea of a dress code for airline passengers. I’m Mr. Bob and you’ve been watching Burning Questions.