Satirium

Under New Scrutiny, Blackwater USA Becomes Proactive

To: All Drivers
From: Mad Dog Hennigan

Please implement the following safe driving procedures immediately:

When children are present on the shoulder of the road or when passing by a school, slow down to 80 miles per hour.

When approaching a school zone, slow down enough so that your machine gun fire will be sufficient to take out the crossing guard.

When overtaking a slower automobile, always pass on the left and shoot out the front tire lest the driver be tempted to see your passing as an invitation to have a drag race that might injure innocent pedestrians.

Never stop behind a school bus loading or unloading children. Instead, pull alongside, pause, then rake the bus windows with machine gun fire as a reminder to the passengers of the value of getting a good education so you can get into a good college.

Carry a second riot gun loaded with shells filled with candy corn instead of buckshot. When passing a crowd of waving children on the side of the road, shoot several blasts of candy corn into the crowd. Peppering them with high velocity projectile candy will leave a memorable impression of the kindness of Americans.

To insure the success of each mission, always keep this fundamental rule of engagement at the front of your mind: Shoot first and never burden your judgment by asking questions.

Remember: always, always, always strive to win the hearts and minds of the indigenous population so as to keep democracy safe for all Americans.