Satirium Deciphers the News So That You Don’t Have To
Is Your Handbag Killing You?No, not yet. But it’s tried. Oh Lordy, how it has tried. Even went to the police about it once, but they said I should just learn to live with it.
Astronomers: Titan Has Miserable WeatherPerhaps so, but have you ever spent August in Washington without an air conditioner? Or how about trying to get a good night’s sleep while riding the New York City subway?
Man Buys Cooker, Finds Foot Inside At least it wasn’t a penis. Or a cow’s head. (Buy our cooker for just $99.95 and get a free cow’s head.)
Horror Writer Suspected in DismembermentNo, there was no connection with the foot in the cooker, although the cops had the same idea and launched a thorough investigation that included a cow’s head.
Men Caught Stealing Railroad TracksThis is news? Women stealing, maybe. Or dwarves stealing rails; that rises to the credulity threshold. Better yet, members of Congress caught stealing rails. Yeah, that has a ring of truth to it.
Woman Charged after Giving Birth in ToiletCharged with what? Littering?
Mom Pulls off Pants, Baby Number 9 Hits Car FloorAlright, already. Enough with Woman Gives Birth stories, even if it was a slow news day. You could always just print excerpts from the phone book instead.
