Smoke and Mirrors, Willow Wisps. Nothing Is Ever What It Seems
Dear Ask the Betsy
I just learned that Dumbledore is gay! I’m upset. Very, very upset. Why is this coming out now? Is Bush or Cheney behind this? Another Karl Rove smear? I thought Rove had gone back to Texas or wherever. Everybody knows Dumbledore is not gay.
Outed in Overton
Dear Out:
Calm down, now. Take a deep breath and count backwards from 25. First of all, ask yourself who said Dumbledore is gay? The author of the Harry Potter books said so. The creator of Dumbledore, after writing Lord knows how many Potter books, now “reveals” that Ol’ Harry is one of those who might signal with code from the next stall in the airport bathroom. And where did the Potter author make this earth-shaking revelation? On a book tour. And why do authors go on book tours? To sell books. And what is a sure fire way to create lots of new buzz and sell a gazillion more books? Well, just “reveal” that, oh by the way, a beloved character is gay. It’s book promotion 101.
Dear Betsy
President Bush says we don’t torture. I wonder if the president was handcuffed in a comfortable standing position with no stress on any parts of his body, but left standing for hours, or even a day or two, unable to sit down or lie down or go to the bathroom… Would he find the experience torturous?
Hypothetical in Harrisburg
Dear Hypo:
Only if Hillary were in the room nattering away at him throughout.
Dear Betsy:
I was standing in the supermarket checkout line and these two women were talking about what to put in their “go bag”. It’s the bag containing emergency things that you grab and run with in case of a tornado, terrorist attack or a band of wild monkeys doing a home invasion. What should I put in such a bag?
Worried in Warminster
Dear Worry Wart:
Pack your bag with a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a jar of grape jelly and a knife. The knife will do double duty — to spread the peanut butter and jelly on the bread and to stab the monkeys one by one as they come through the door.