Of All the Candidates, Which Has the Most Dog Friendly Agenda?
My little dogs read an article in the newspaper about how children are giving money to the campaigns of presidential candidates, often the maximum allowed of $2,300 per year.
“We should do that. We really should,” Lucy said, rising from one of her interminable naps in time to hear the pack’s discussion of presidential campaign finance. “We shouldn’t let the fat cat corporate lobbyists set the national agenda.”
Yes, the others quickly chimed in, we’ll contribute to our favorite candidate. Coming from a gang of five famed for its internecine bickering, it was a remarkably collegial — and quick — decision.
“I’d give the max, to Giuliani,” said Farley. Although he’s the oldest, Farley is far from the wisest of the group.
“Are you crazy,” said Tina. “He’s not a dog friendly person. Just look at how he carries himself. That’s not someone who will stoop down to pet a dog.”
“Maybe so,” Farley said. “But he’ll do something about getting cats off the streets. It’s criminal to let cats just come and go willy nilly as they please twenty four hours a day.”
Tina frowned. “So what happens when he gets all the cats off the streets and then decides it’s time to get all the dogs off, too?”
“We should give our money to Obama,” said Dimi. “He has soft eyes. He won’t just stoop down. He’ll pick you up and hold you and pet you.”
At the mention of Obama, Farley began agitatedly pacing in a tight circle. “You’re wrong. If Obama gets in the Oval Office, he’ll have cats. No dogs, but a lot of cats. On the chairs, on the sofas. When he sits at his desk, there will a cat in his lap, not a dog.”
This specter brought the conversation to a halt.
“You’re all focused on the wrong things,” said Mommy Dog, rising and arching her back in a luxurious stretch.
Mommy Dog is the alpha. She often has little to say in these conversations, but when she does, it’s best to keep your mouth shut and just listen.
“I agree that we probably should give some money, but you’re all missing the point,” she began in her measured tone. All eyes followed her as she sauntered over to the water bowl and took a long drink.
“What is it that dogs want most?” she asked, gazing from face to face.
“Uhmm, regular meals?” Lucy said.
“Yes, of course. But after that?”
No one answered. When Mommy Dog poses one of her rhetorical questions, the safest course is silence.
“What dogs want most of all…” Mommy Dog paused for dramatic effect. “What they want most of all is to sleep in the bed with their people.”
A chorus of agreement. Yes, you’re right. That’s for sure. Of course. You’re right, Mommy Dog.
“So it’s very simple. We give our money to the candidate who is going to let the dog, or dogs, sleep in the bed,” she said. “All we have to do is decide which one that is.”
“Not Giuliani, that’s for sure,” Tina said.
“Nor McCain,” Lucy said.
“Mormons never let dogs into the bed,” Farley said.
“So who’s going to welcome the dogs in the bed,” Mommy Dog repeated. “From Thompson to that nut job congressman from Indiana, who’s going to always have dogs sleeping in the bed?”
They all looked from face to face, hoping to find the correct answer.
“Hillary?” Dimi stammered.
“Yes! Exactly. Hillary and Bill,” Mommy Dog said. “Of all of them, that bed undoubtedly will be the most dog friendly.”
“Provided they sleep together,” Farley said.
“Yes, provided they sleep together,” Mommy Dog agreed.
So there you have it. The pack contribution will go to Hillary, pending Lucy’s search of the Internet to find out if the Clintons share the same bed.
But even if they don’t, I think the contribution will still go to Hillary on the theory that dogs will be equally welcome in either Bill’s bed or Hillary’s bed.