Quick! Which President Died with a Secret Girl Friend by His Side?
News Item: The government’s Office of Citizenship has revised the oral test immigrants must pass to become citizens. Satirium obtained a copy of the test, which will be used beginning in October, 2008. Herewith, a sampling of the questions and acceptable answers:
Q: Which president invented the grocery store checkout scanner?
A: Bush the Elder
Q: Which president had an uncontrollable urge to rub men’s bald heads?
A: Bush the Younger.
Q: Which president had to be taken to the emergency room when a piece of his private anatomy became stuck in the zipper of his pants?
A: Clinton the First
Q: Why did the Democrat cross the road?
A: To be with the other chicken-hearted, lily-livered freedom-hating Democrats huddled on the other side.
Q: Why did the Republican dash across the road and almost get run over by an 18-wheeler?
A: He spotted a lobbyist who had just taken out his checkbook.
Q: What is the Washington Beltway?
A: Each January, all members of Congress must run naked down a short stretch of road — known as the Beltway — while ordinary citizens standing on the side lash them with their belts.
Q: Why do the House and Senate sergeants at arms reprimand members of Congress who tap their feet at their desks during debates about proposed legislation?
A: The noise from all the tapping feet makes it difficult for other members to take their afternoon naps.
Q: Why are such words as “hypocrite”, “hypocritical” and “hypocrisy” banned from the Congressional Record?
A: To lower the cost of publishing the daily record of congressional actions. Studies found that eliminating the words from the public record reduced the size of the Congressional Record by ten percent.