Always Be Light of Heart, Steely of Eye and Furrowed of Brow
Satirium offers the following Smart Living tips to make your life easier:
Wearing a Backpack
Buy a backpack that is not too big and not too small.
Adjust the straps so they are not too loose and not too tight.
Put just the right weight load inside, not too heavy and not too light.
Stand up straight at all times, unless you are just a slumping type person.
Kitchen Sink Disposal Unit
Don’t try to dispose of old socks or used condoms in the disposal.
Do put in table scraps, but smash peach pits with a hammer first.
Cut artichoke leaves into very, very small pieces before putting them in.
Don’t wash your hair in the disposal, unless it is quite short.
Do use the disposal to trim your finger nails — and toe nails if your feet are small.
Visits to McDonald’s
Always study the menu carefully because it might have changed.
Speak politely to the staff so that they won’t spit on your order.
Don’t buy more than you can eat, unless you plan to throw away the extra food.
Never make eye contact with other customers, lest you start a food fight.
If you go to the bathroom, always wash your hands afterward.
It is considered good manners to pay for your food when you are served.
If the garbage cans are full, throw your trash in the parking lot.
Flush the Toilet Once a Week
There is a terrible drought in Darfur, so save water whenever possible.
Flushing the toilet too often will wear out the flushing mechanism.
Never flushing is an ideal way to send subtle messages to family members.
Do not throw leftover food in the toilet, unless you don’t want it.
It’s OK if the dog wants to drink from an unflushed toilet.
Picking out a Casket for a Loved One
Choose a casket that is not too long and not too short.
Make sure the pillow is comfortable.
Check to see that the casket is wide enough.
Tap the side to make sure it is made of real wood and not some cheap plastic.
If the lid has a window, make sure the glass is shatterproof.
Carrying a Pistol in Your Purse
Make sure the purse has a strong leather strap.
Sling the strap over your right shoulder if you are right-handed.
Walk down the street with your hand in the purse and your finger on the trigger.
If anyone gives you any trouble, blast away from inside the purse.
Always shoot first and ask questions later, particularly if the cops give you any guff.
Carrying an Assault Rifle in Your Cello Case
Don’t carry your assault rifle in your cello case.
Carry your assault rifle in a golf bag, so you can get it out more quickly.
Always shoot first and ask questions later, particularly if the cops give you any guff.
If surprise is necessary, feel free to shoot with the assault rifle still in the golf bag.