Fabled Spy Agency Seeks Help from Children to Decipher Pig Latin
Alarmed by the National Security Agency’s increased monitoring of e-mail and telephone calls of ordinary citizens, more and more Americans are turning to Pig Latin to disguise their electronic communications with one another.
Civil liberties experts who monitor the super-secret spy agency as best they can report that the NSA is apparently scrambling to meet this new threat to national security.
“Iay eesay ignssay atthay eythay reaay ardhay-essedpray toay indfay eoplepay howay eakspay Igpay Atinlay,” said Mortimer Transom, a specialist in recruiting hard-to-find employees for the Federal government. (Translation: I hear that they are hard-pressed to find people who speak Pig Latin.)
Transom said he has begun scouring elementary school fourth and fifth grade classes for students fluent in Pig Latin.
“Ifay ouyay avehay a ildchay howay eaksspay Ipsay Atinlay, ouyay ouldcay akemay aay dlebunay ightray ownay,” Transom said. (Translation: If you have a child who speaks Pig Latin, you could make a bundle right now.)
At the Eleanor Horace Newcomb Elementary School in Silver Spring, Maryland, fifth grade teacher Helen Larson said she had heard of the NSA search for Pig Latin experts.
“Weay areay ownay endingspay anay ourhay peray ayday onay Ipgay Atinlay illsdray,” she said. “Iay vehay eralsevay dentsstuay howay areay izzeswhay. Iay pectexay emthay toay beay redhiay anyay dayay,” she said. (Translation: We are now spending an hour per day on Pig Latin drills. I have several students who are whizzes. I expect them to be hired any day.)
“Weay ustmay elphay Identpresay Ushbay eepkay usay eefray.” (Translation: We must help President Bush keep us free.)
Asking about hiring as government consultants children who speak Pig Latin, a NSA spokesman dismissed the question. “Atthay isay oneay ofa hetay illiestsay estionsquay Ia avehay erevay eardhay,” she said.