PG-13 Warning: Two Jokes Involving Penises and Sexual Innuendo
A man with muscles, tattoos, a shaved head and a diamond stud in each ear walked into an Upper West Side glitterati bar packed with Friday night revelers. An alligator on a leash trailed him.
The hubbub hushed in an instant and only a nervous giggle or two punctuated the silence. The man lifted the alligator onto the bar and then turned to the crowd.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he said. “I’ll open Little Alli’s mouth and place my private parts inside. Little Alli will close his mouth for sixty seconds and then open it. I will remove my manhood, unscathed.”
More nervous giggles.
“In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
Scattered applause. “Right on, Dude,” someone called.
The man pulled a chair up to the bar and stood on it. He dropped his trousers, pried open Little Alli’s mouth, and placed his manhood inside. Little Alli closed his jaws.
“No, no!” a woman screamed. “Right on, Dude,” someone echoed.
The man made a show of consulting his watch and counted down the last seconds. “Five, four, three, two, one.”
Then he grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it as hard as he could on the top of Little Alli’s head. The gator promptly opened his mouth and the man removed his private parts, intact.
The crowd cheered, the first free drink was delivered and everyone returned to their revelry.
After a few minutes, the man jumped up on the bar and called for silence. “I’ll pay one hundred dollars to anyone who’s willing to give it a try.”
The crowd stood in silence. After a while, a woman on the far side raised her hand and stepped forward.
“I’ll try it,” she said. “Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”
A chicken and a horse lived on a farm and were the best of friends. One day while the two were playing, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
The chicken ran back to the farm, only to discover that the farmer had gone to town on the only tractor. Oh woe! How could he pull the horse from the bog and save his life?
Then the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Glory be! The keys were in the ignition.
The chicken hopped onto the Harley and sped off to the bog, dragging a rope.
The chicken threw one end of the rope to the horse, who clamped it between his teeth. The chicken tied the other end of the rope to the Harley and then revved up the mighty engine and pulled the horse to safety.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit. He cried out to the horse to save him.
The horse pondered the situation a moment, then walked over and straddled the mud pit. He instructed the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, the horse moved forward, and — miracle of miracles — the chicken was saved.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks!