It’s not What You Say, So Much as How You Say It… or Not
Wow! This is so cool!
For a while there, I thought I might never be standing here. ‘Course, I’m barely standing. Ha, ha. Hope I haven’t had too much. Awesome punch! There’s a lot to be said for eloping. Only joking! That’s a joke. Ah, come on now. No applause. That’s not nice. Hey, you guys, that’s not funny.
First I want to thank my wonderful parents. The things you learn on your wedding day. Granny told me the whole story on the drive to the church. Granny, you rock, Dude! Mom, Dad, you dudes rock. You really do. If you two hadn’t gotten piss-assed drunk at that Stones concert… And under the bleachers… Awesome!
And Mom… Oh, Mommy, my Mommy. If you hadn’t chickened out in the doctor’s waiting room… You rock, Mom. One cool babe. A round of applause for my wonderful mom. ‘Course, Mom, there must’ve been times… I know I’ve been less than the model son. Admit it, Mom. There must have times you had wished you’d just gone in into that room…
A round of applause for my Mom for putting up with me all these years and not calling Family Services.
A toast to my Dad. A round of applause for my dad. Doesn’t he look like a penguin today? Awesome tux, Dad. What can I say, old man? You stuck by me, too. Stuck by your happy little family all these years. You were off working in the city lots of times. But you always sent a check. Almost always, right Mom?
Regina. My beautiful Regina. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Reggie, for saying yes. I know I’m no prize… Not the world’s greatest catch. But I’m a stand by your gal kind of man. I’ll always be there for you. I’ve got a decent job now. And I swear to you, Baby, ‘ll go to it every single day. I promise. A round of applause for my beautiful bride.
Now, finally, before I sit down… unless I fall down… Ha, ha, ha. That’s not a joke. It’s the truth.
A round… A toast of applause for little Trisha, baking away in her mommy’s oven, her nice hot oven. It’s a really fine, hot oven in there. I should know. Here, Reggie. Stand up and show them your bulge. There, now. See that, everybody? Here’s a toast to little Trish. We’ve got the pictures and everything, right here in my pocket… Damn tux. They’re in here somewhere. If you want to see them… or not. Your call.
Awesome punch. A toast to the punch… I think I’ll sit down now.