Jenna and Barbara Are to Be Elected Co-Presidents in 2036
Pardon us for raising this sordid question yet again, but are the Bush twins — Jenna and Barbara — still virgins?
I know, you’re tired of our harping on this subject. So are we, tired, that is. We raise the question because of Jenna Bush’s new book, which, we are assured by one and all, she wrote herself.
The book won’t be out until October, but The Wa-Po, which got a look at the manuscript, said that in the acknowledgments Jenna mentions her parents and “my patient Henry”. Huh? Henry, according to the Wa-Po’s gossip writers, is Henry Hager, Jenna’s “longtime beau.”
Surely, you can understand our concern. In this day and age, if you are a “long time beau” of a 24-year-old frat babe party girl and you get your name in the acknowledgments of her book, this can mean only one thing: you get to climb into her bed, sans clothing, on a regular basis.
Ergo, at least one of the Bush twins is no longer a virgin!
Why does this matter? Let me count the ways.
First, the Bush Dynasty’s political planners have Jenna and Barbara down for being elected co-presidents in the 2036 election. (The constitutional amendment making this possible will be ratified in 2034.) This means that 26 or so years from now there will be a great moral hue and cry and much political mudslinging over whether the two Bush girls stayed true to their Christian fundamentalist roots and remained virgins until their wedding nights.
It’s crucial that we get to the bottom of the virginity question now — and leave a clear, unambiguous record for all to read in 2034 or so. We don’t want a repeat of the scandal involving their father and his Texas Air National Guard service, or lack thereof, in which no clear record of exactly what transpired 30 years ago could be found.
Second, there is the inconvenient truth that the entire Bush 43 born-again Christian moral agenda of the last six-plus years has been based on virginity, abstinence, reserving marriage for male-female duos only, and no shacking up without a marriage license and a proper ceremony before a member of the clergy qualified and authorized to bestow God’s blessing on the union. (We’ll skip over a foreign policy that ties abstinence strings to American funds for use in fighting AIDS in poor African countries.)
Third, if the Bush girls are no longer virgins, this is not going to play well with the Colorado Springs mega-church crowd. It’s just a matter of time until Front Range pulpits thunder with righteous indignation that the President’s daughters are no longer pure and saving themselves for holy matrimony. Note to Tony Snow: You might want to get out front of this one, the sooner the better, rather than to wait for the roof to fall in.