Plunge Will Protest Disintegration of the Republican Party
For more than two decades, Elmer Higgs took a New Year’s Day polar bear plunge into the Atlantic Ocean surf near Southhampton, New York, at the eastern end of Long Island.
“Piece of cake,” he once told a newspaper reporter during a pre-plunge interview. “I walk up to the water’s edge, hand my bathrobe to Susan, run into the surf and plunge below the surface of the water. Then I run screaming back to the bathrobe and off to home for a hot shower.”
When the alarm went off at 5 a.m. last January 1, Elmer lay staring at the ceiling in the dark, silently urging himself to get up and get into his swimsuit, fighting a desire to roll over and go back to sleep.
“Then I had this brilliant idea,” he said. “Why not do my polar bear plunge on July Fourth? Splendid! I went back to sleep, rose at nine and had a leisurely breakfast.”
Now, with the Fourth of July just two weeks away, Elmer is in serious training for his plunge on Southampton beach. I joined Elmer in his bathroom as he stood in a bathing suit, watching the bathtub fill with hot water. He took a thermometer from the vanity and stuck it in the water.
Falling asleep can spoil a workout
“I want it at 105 degrees. A nice, innervating hot bath,” he explained. “Perfect,” he declared, withdrawing the thermometer.
Elmer opened a vanity drawer and pulled out a bottle of Fitzgerald Triple-Aged Malt Whiskey. He poured a generous serving into a glass and set it in the soap dish. Lowering himself into the tub, he settled in until the water covered him up to his chin.
“Training like this is harder than it looks,” he explained, taking his first sip of whiskey. “I have to resist falling asleep. Even harder as the water cools is to resist using my foot to turn on the hot water. But that would defeat the purpose of this training, don’t you think?”
Well, yes, since Elmer’s training regimen is to wait for the bath water to reach room temperature, all the while sipping the whiskey. Then he climbs from tub, dries off and gets dressed.
“When I’m alone, I usually don’t wear a swim suit. The training is more effective without anything covering up your private parts,” he said.
Settling for mediocrity is the answer
Elmer said that each year he makes his polar bear plunge a form of protest.
“I’m a progressive thinker. In my experience, all we polar bear plungers are pinko and liberals. No conservative would ever do such a thing. So I’ve plunged to protest children starving in Africa, or the bombing of Belgrade. One year I protested the whole casual Friday dress code thing at the office. Abominable idea, casual dress, particularly if you have a closet full of five hundred dollar suits.”
Elmer fell silent and his eyelids sagged as the whiskey and the hot water took their toll.
But then he roused himself and took another sip of whiskey. “Got to stay awake. Imagine the headline: ‘Polar bear plunger falls asleep in bathtub and drowns.’”
What will Elmer protest this year with his plunge?
“The disintegration of the Republican party, of course. We are in a terrible crisis because the Republicans tore up the play book.”
“That should make a pinko progressive happy, very happy.”
“You’re wrong there, my friend. We have a system in which if Democrats are in charge, they get some things done right and they get some things wrong. Nothing is ever really brilliant nor terribly screwed up.”
“You’ve lost me there,” I said.
“So we vote the Democrats out and let the Republicans have it for a while. They were supposed to get a few things done right and get some things wrong. Instead, they decided to tear up the old play book and write a new one. Bad idea. Very bad idea.”
Sharks and alcohol don’t mix
Elmer was down to his last swig of whiskey. He eyed his toes, no doubt thinking about opening the hot water valve. Instead he abruptly stood up, cascading water all over the bathroom floor. He wobbled, steadied himself with one hand against the wall and downed the last bit of whiskey.
“They weren’t up to the task of rewriting the book. So now they’re falling apart. The Republicans should pull up their socks and settle for mediocrity. The American people want mediocrity. The Democrats figured that out a long time ago.”
Elmer began drying off. “Can’t wait to hit that ocean. Polar bears, here I come.”
“Perhaps you shouldn’t take along any Fitzgerald’s when you do the plunge,” I suggested.
“I never drink when I’m going into the ocean,” he said. “Alcohol attracts sharks.”