The National Security Agency has made some spare supercomputer gigaflops available to Satirium for careful parsing of recent headlines and intelligent generation of cogent analysis. Here are the results:
Man Offers to Sell Wife for $50That’s low. On eBay, lots of wives are going for $75 and even $100. Depends, of course, on overall age, degree of wear and tear, ability to cook and make the beds and how sharp a tongue she has. As a general rule, extra delivery charges will apply on an eBay wife sale.
Jealousy Drove Woman to Chain Saw MurderIdiot of a husband. He should have known that if you buy two — not one, but two — wives on eBay, sooner or later there’s going to be trouble of some kind. Yes, arsenic would have been less blood and gore, but, as they say, whatever floats your boat. At least it wasn’t a wood chipper.
City Manager Loses Job over Sex ChangeIt wasn’t the sex change
per se, but the fact it was a man becoming a woman. If it had been woman becoming just another of the good old boys on the city council, then no problem.
Shark Rips Flesh from Lawyer’s ArmEvery year the American Bar Association issues a warning to its members to be very, very cautious about taking on a shark as a client. And, sure enough, every year some ignoramus of an ABA member pays no attention.
ATM Thief’s Fake Leg Falls off during GetawayNotice to Bank Robbers: If you have a fake leg, shoplift a roll of duct tape at Wal-Mart. When you get up on the morning of your planned robbery, let common sense prevail and tape the fake leg solidly into place.
Minister Says Haggard Is Now ‘Completely Heterosexual’Whoa there, baby. I ain’t going there. No way. Not gonna touch this one. Not gonna try to parse what they mean by “completely.” No way, Dude. Heterosexual? I don’t even know what that means. And I ain’t gonna ask. In fact, I’m just gonna skip this article and pretend I never saw it and ask God in a heartfelt prayer not to put any more stories like this one in front of my because they might tempt me to comment and that would just cause me all kinds of ungodly woe.