Does Lyndon Johnson’s Ghost Wander the White House at Night?
The National Commission on Burning Questions released its latest report over the Memorial Day weekend and, as is usually the case, touched on several burning issues.
Presidential Candidate Derrières Which of the many presidential candidates from both the Republican and Democratic parties has the largest rear end, that is to say, who has the fattest ass? Pudgy Bill Richardson? McCain? Certainly not Obama. Or Rudy. What about Ralph Nader? Is he running again? Fat-assed consumer advocate. He could win.
Likely Answer Hillary, of course. Let’s face it. She has a big rear end, despite the best efforts of slimming colors and careful tailoring. Hold on there, some would protest. This is unfair. Women are built different anatomically so they can have babies. Men hunt. Women make a home and babies. Still, line up all the presidential candidates, stand behind them, take off their clothes… No! No! Don’t take off their clothes. We may be a society obsessed with gossip and trivial questions, but don’t line up all the presidential candidates and make us look at their naked rear ends. That’s taking democracy too far.
President Bush’s Sleep Patterns Does the president lie awake in the middle of the night and stare the at ceiling, his mind racing and stomach churning, as he frets over the mess in Iraq — his mess — and ponders how to extricate himself (and the nation)? Gripped by insomnia, pacing the halls of the White House, does he run into the ghost of Lyndon Johnson, consigned to eternal insomniac pacing over another ill-conceived, unpopular and ultimately fruitless war?
Likely Answer No. Each evening he says goodnight to the Air Force bird colonel sitting outside the bedroom door with the nuclear weapons launch codes box, kisses Laura goodnight and sleeps like the proverbial baby. He awakes rested, refreshed and — more to the point — ready for another day of clearing out Washington’s metaphorical brush, on track to the shortlist of America’s greatest presidents.