Searching for the Holy Grail of Irritating Husbands
Raoul Petersen’s Nagging Wife of the Month Club has been such a runaway success that he is now making plans to introduce an Irritating Husband of the Month Club. For a fee of $499.95, a member will receive four successive husbands, each a month at a time, who are guaranteed to “irritate you to the point of tears, or even contemplation of homicide.”
“To tell the truth, when I started out I got sick and tired of all the feminists getting off on me about how sexist it was to offer the services of a rented nagging wife” Petersen said at a news conference introducing his irritating husband service. ‘You’re demeaning women. How sexist. Isn’t that just like a man to do something like that,’ they said. So I vowed that as soon as I could, irritating husbands would be my next product.”
Petersen presented his four husband models: Overweight Pedantic Doctorate in Psychology, Raving Liberal Obsessive-Compulsive, Paranoid Republican NRA Member, and Back Slapping Salesman Who Regularly Stays Out Until 4 a.m.
“If these models prove popular and demand for irritating husbands is as strong as our market research suggests, then we’ll probably offer an additional irritating husband, the creme d’ la creme that is very hard to find,” Petersen said.
And what might that be? Sex Starved Sweetie Pie Neatness Freak Who Always Picks Up After Himself and Cleans the Whole House Every Day.
“We consider that the holy grail of irritating husbands,” Petersen said.
The idea for the Nagging Wife of the Month Club came to Petersen after he watched television reality programs in which families swap wives or nannies are brought in to straighten out a family where the children run wild.
“The thought hit me that everyone wants a change of pace in their married life and how better to do that than swap your nagging wife for an accomplished, professional nag, rather than the amateur nag you’re married to,” Petersen said.
The nagging wife club was fully booked a few months after it opened.
“Turns out lots of husbands decided to join the club so they could find out just how bad a nagging wife could be,” Petersen said. “In most cases, our customers thanked us and said they had no idea that their wife was, in reality, a mere amateur when it came to nagging.”
Though he declined to reveal any data, Petersen said customer satisfaction surveys have consistently shown that a membership in the Nagging Wife Club makes a marriage stronger. “There’s nothing like discovering that the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but it’s better to live with the devil you know,” he said.
Petersen said the most popular nagging wife is the Sex Kitten Dish Throwing Get Your Feet off the Coffee Table Right Now model, followed by the Multi-Tasking Not Tonight Dear Control Freak Martha Stewart Acolyte.
“I’m hesitant to make predictions, but I’m going to guess the most popular irritating husband will be the Paranoid Republican NRA Member,” Petersen said.
Why?
“I think I’ll take a pass on that question because my answer would just get all the feminists back on my neck. Who needs that?” he said.