Just How Many Pink Flamingo Lawn Ornaments Do You Need?
Dear Ask the Betsy:
My husband is going to bankrupt us with his endless buying of things on eBay. First, it was that he would buy and sell salt and pepper shakers. Only problem was that all he did was buy, never sell. Then it was antique croquet sets. Next, pink flamingo lawn ornaments. The basement is almost full with this stuff and the checking account is slowly draining away. Now he’s focused on buying post cards. At least they don’t take up a lot of space.
eBay Widow
Dear Widow:
This sounds like a classic case of eBay Acquisition Syndrome. It is rarely curable. In most cases, the best you can hope for is to slow it down. That means your focus should be on his computer. Start by pouring pancake syrup on the keyboard when he is on a bathroom break. The computer could also have an “accident.” For example, it could fall down the basement stairs. Another approach is to fill the bathtub with water and give the computer a bath. If Hubby uses a laptop, you could bake some cookies and absentmindedly leave the laptop in the oven while you bake.
Try to keep a positive attitude. Things could be worse. He could be buying extra wives and storing them in the basement. Imagine all the added cooking and cleaning you would be expected to do if that was going on.
Dear Ask the Betsy:
My son-in-law gives me heartburn. Every time he comes around I get this terrible heartburn within five minutes of his arrival. He’s okay as sons-in-law go. For one thing, he doesn’t beat my Cheryl, although there was that one time he ran over her foot with the car, but I think it was an accident.
My doctor thinks it’s all in my mind, but I know it’s real. All my son-in-law has to do is show up in the driveway and there goes my stomach.
Stomach on Fire
Dear Stomach:
You have son-in-law acid reflux. Your best bet is Prilosec, which you can get without a prescription. Never mind the warning labels about how much you should take. Just pop a Prilosec every time he shows up or calls. Pop them as often as you need them while he is around. If you know in advance that he is coming, take one 30 minutes before he arrives and keep popping them until he leaves.
By the way, son-in-law acid reflux is more common than you think. My sources tell me Big Pharma is working on blockbuster drugs to treat it. I can hardly wait to see what kind of squirrely television ads Madison Avenue dreams up to sell the drugs.
Dear Ask the Betsy:
On the television news I saw that some fathers are taking their pre-pubescent daughters to formal “proms.” As part of the prom, the daughters pledge to their fathers that they will remain virgins until they marry. Do you think this will work?
Curious in Boise City
Dear Curious:
It will work until the daughter’s first date that doesn’t include a chaperon.