Research Indicates Most Bank Robbers Need Money
Here are some Recent Findings compiled by the Satirium staff:
The latest study of Hillary Clinton’s speeches played backwards found that the strange voice was not the devil but rather Newt Gingrich reciting Ogden Nash poems while suffering from a bad cold. A Springfield group claimed that most all Barack Obama speeches played backwards are the same first year lecture on torts and contracts at the Harvard Law School from sometime in the 1980s. A Bronx-based advocacy group announced that Rudy Guiliani speeches played backwards were identical to the same speech played forwards, although the backwards versions always had someone whistling an annoying song in the background.
A Rutgers University researcher discovered that 94 percent of all houses in Montclair, New Jersey more than 100 years old have at least one ghost living “somewhere in the attic.” A Tucson group said that its most recent survey of Arizona ghost towns found that virtually all ghosts it interviewed expect to vote Republican in 2008. University of Iowa agronomists found that ghosts prefer to eat alfalfa if the choice of foods is between alfalfa and a Ruby Tuesday’s Colossal Burger. If the choice is between alfalfa and chocolate, chocolate always win.
A Yale advocacy group who studied 10,000 bank robberies found that most robbers were motivated by the need for money. A Harvard Medical School team reported in Annals of Odd Behavior that homeless people who sleep on park benches in the winter and are able to cover themselves with a blanket have fewer incidences of respiratory illness. A Miami citizen’s watchdog group reported that training Dobermans to bite the toes of people sleeping on park benches led to a sharp reduction in the number of homeless people and vagrants hanging about in public parks. A pilot program in Des Moines sharply reduced the number of homeless people when they were offered $100 in cash and a free one-way bus ticket to Denver, provided they were also escorted onto the bus.