For Once in Your Life, Plan Ahead and Give Her Something Special
So, another ho-hum Valentine’s Day.
You forgot about it until the last minute. Now, she’ll have to settle for a sad little box of Godivas or some wimpy long-stemmed roses that are long on stems and short on petals.
O.K. But there’s always next year. What if you started planning now for February 14, 2008 and presented her with the piece de resistance of Valentine’s Day gifts?
Here are two classics she will never forget.
Hunt with Yellowstone’s Wolf Pack You actually run through the snow-covered woods and meadows with Yellowstone National Park’s fabled wolf-pack as they search for their next meal of warm, bloody, fresh-killed elk. Be there at the moment of truth and help pull down the unlucky victim. Savor the intense excitement and unforgettable sensation when you first taste warm blood and tear at the raw flesh. Fight with members of the pack over the last morsels, then snuggle up with the pack in a snowbank to digest, sleep and plan the menu for the next meal.
Notes: Limit two persons per outing. Participants must be in top physical condition and adept at the use of cross-country skis and snowshoes. Prior Arctic survival training recommended but not required.
Depending upon National Park Service regulations in effect at the time, participants might consider wearing U.S. Army certified body armor that is resistant to high velocity projectiles fired by hunters as they pursue members of the wolf pack.
Participants are unlikely to have any say in the selection of the elk that the pack pulls down and eats. Some elk could possibly suffer from a neurological disease believed to be similar to Mad Cow Disease. Although most medical specialists consider it a remote possibility, some humans who eat a sick elk might eventually develop a brain-wasting disease that is usually fatal.
A Day with a Garbage Truck Crew in Newark Spend a day with a Newark, N.J. municipal sanitation crew as they collect garbage in the city’s infamous Ironbrook section. Gain a hands-on understanding of what life is like in a modern American slum where the unemployment rate is 60 percent and the median income for a household of four is less than $10,000. Observe for yourself police brutality in action. Be frequently solicited to purchase a wide variety of sexual services. Confront the illegal drug trade and gang life up close and personal. Learn to appreciate your own lifestyle, secure in the knowledge that at the end of day you can return to the safety of your home far away at an undisclosed location.
Notes: Bring your own sack lunch and a nonalcoholic beverage. Leave your wallet at home, but do pin a tag to your clothes on which you have written your name and phone number in case next of kin must be contacted. If you have health insurance, write the company’s name and your policy number on the tag in case you are admitted to an emergency room.
It is not advisable to accept any sexual solicitations you receive. However, if your brain is weak and your libido is strong, carry proper protection against transmission of HIV Aids and use it. Sex workers in the Ironweed section generally do not accept credit cards.
Participants usually wear U.S. Army certified body armor that is resistant to high velocity projectiles fired by assault rifles. Such weapons are typically used by Ironbrook gang members and stray bullets hitting innocent bystanders is common.