News Item:
President Bush will speak to House Democrats at their annual legislative retreat on February 3 in Williamsburg, Virginia. The unusual appearance — at Democrats’ invitation — reflects both his and the new congressional leaders’ pledges to work toward bipartisanship.
Security Level for This Memorandum: Urgent, Top Secret
To: POTUS DEFCON
From: SECSERV COMCON NUMUNO
Subject: POTUS Williamsbug Democrats BiPartConf
This POTUS event has been designated Category Five, DEFCON Level Max.
The following procedures are MANDATORY.
Rotten Vegetables — All attendees and any and all materials they are carrying must pass through the Automated Aging Biomass Putridity and Fluidity Sticking and Smearing Neutron Screening Device (AABPFSSNSD). No exceptions. POTUS is excluded from this screening procedure.
Stale Bread — After passing through the aforementioned AABPFSSNSD screening, all attendees and any and all materials they are carrying, must pass through the Automated Stale Baked Goods and Desiccated Leavened Kitchen Chef Abomination Creations Electrophoresis Screening Device (ASBGDLKCACESD). No exceptions. POTUS is excluded from this screening procedure.
Whoopee Cushions — Five minutes before POTUS and other attendees are admitted to the room, POTUS DEFCON agents must test each chair cushion using the Live Agent Posterior Upon Cushion Bounce Up and Down Live Pressure Compression Test (LAPUCBUDLPCT). If a malfunctioning chair cushion is detected, the LAPUCBUDLPCT must be successfully repeated on all cushions before POTUS can be allowed to enter the room.
Remember: REMAIN ALERT AT ALL TIMES!