To: Lifetime Achievement Award Committee
Subject: Candidate Nomination
I would like to nominate myself for the Chamber of Commerce Lifetime Achievement Award. I recently celebrated my fortieth birthday and in looking back over my life, it is clear to me that I have achieved many things that make me worthy of the award.
– I have never been in jail, unless you count the misunderstanding over the beer that had been spilled in the backseat and the officer mistaking my congenital speech impediment with speech that had been slurred by too much drink. If needed, I can submit all the relevant court documents that demonstrate my innocence and the injustice of my brief incarceration.
– I have never had a child out of wedlock. In the two cases where this was disputed, I have full documentation, including DNA tests, that showed I was not the father. I freely admit that I had sexual relations with the two women involved, but since when is that a bad thing? Obviously, they weren’t being faithful to me.
– I have never been fired from a job or collected unemployment. I do admit that I had an job as a bookkeeper for a company and that I was paid a lump sum of $20,000 and told never to come back and signed a resignation letter they shoved under my nose. That was a lot of money back then, and I hated that job and those people. So who was I to ask questions? But to anyone who says I was fired, I say, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
– I have never committed insurance fraud. It is true I was in a bar and this guy came in and we tossed down a bunch of boiler makers and then he asked me if I wanted to help him use a sledge hammer to beat the crap out of his car. We had a blast that night and the car was a mess when we finished. But like I told the investigator when he came around, I had no idea the guy was going to file an insurance claim.
If you need any additional information to support my nomination, just let me know.
Also, could you possibly serve steak instead of chicken at the awards banquet? I’m allergic to chicken. It makes me break out in hives.