It might seem a long way from Kim Jong Il’s North Korea to Drizzle, Colorado, population 40, located on the windswept High Plains two miles from the Kansas state line. But to Edward Owens, designer water entrepreneur, North Korea seems close enough to taste it and feel it.
Owens wants the State Department and the United Nations to put his two designer water products on the list of luxury goods that countries cannot export to North Korea. That’s right, he wants to get on the list along with such products as Cadillacs, Hennessy cognac, Marlboro cigarettes, Harley-Davidson motorcycles and Segways.
Banning export of Kim Jong Il’s favorite luxury items is a clever ploy to get one of the world’s baddest bad boys to drop his nuclear weapons program and behave himself.
“Don’t know diplomacy from atom bombs,” said Owens, 54, a former cowboy who read about the list in one of the Denver newspapers. “All I want is to get my waters banned from North Korea.”
He envisions a marketing double whammy by getting “High Plains Toilet Water” and “High Plains Pond Water” on the list.
Owens is convinced that Kim Jong Il will just naturally want to try the waters once he sees them on the list, something akin to the old adage about telling children not to put beans in their ears.
“Mr. Kim seems like a real fine sophisticated gentleman and I think I might snag a very good customer if he once tries my waters,” Owens said. “They may be banned, but he will find a way to get them.” He said that if he could get a UPS address, he would try sending a case or two, just to see what might happen.
Owens also believes that getting his High Plains Toilet Water and High Plains Pond Water on the banned list will bring them to the attention of sophisticated consumers around the world.
“What a publicity gold mine, what a marketing home run to get on that list,” he said. “People will be lining up to buy things that North Koreans aren’t allowed to have.”
Owens won’t reveal where the water he puts in his designer plastic bottles comes from, saying only, “Our names accurately reflect the nature of our products and these waters are real good for you if you drink enough of them.”
He confessed that he drinks one gallon of the water every day. “Sharpens your mind real good, ” he said.
So far, Owens hasn’t had much luck getting the attention of either the State Department or the United Nations. “Got lost real quick in those folks passing the buck,” he said.
Calls to the local offices of the Colorado congressional delegation were more helpful.
“They all say that it’s a good time because Ol’ Bush has lost control of the Congress and if I play my cards right I can play one side against the other,” Owens said.
He said the congressional staff members gave him the names of Republican and Democratic lobbyists who might help.
“I’m in the process of calling them K Street fellas now,” Owens said. “They all want some money up front, but I keep telling them to get me on the list so I can start selling my waters and I’ll make sure that they get taken care of first.
“I tell them that with these two waters, we can all get rich, if they just get my waters on Mr Kim’s list.”