With the holiday season hard upon us, vast numbers of pseudointellectuals are gathered around scrabble boards all around the world seeking to get rid of the letter “Q” by spelling phantasmaquorical. Here are some tips to quarantee victory in the typical $100-per-point game.
Fill an empty Jose Cuervo bottle with tea diluted to the color and of tequila and set it on the table. Each time it’s your turn, take a swig from the bottle and shout out, “Go for it, Jose Baby, you dumb wetback.”
Keep a running scrabble patter going at all times, things like “C’mon, c’mon, make your move” or “speed it up, Babe, speed it up” or “What’s a matter? Can’t spell?” Be creative. Think of it as hectoring the other team in a baseball game.
When you’re not pattering, count the passing seconds under your breath while waiting for another player to make a move. “One, two, three, four…” as a just audible whisper is perfect. When you reach 60 seconds, exclaim, “What’s a matter. You skp fourth grade or something?”
Go to the bathroom frequently and make a big production of getting up and leaving the scrabble table. Say things like, “Well, folks, gotta go take a dump” or “Time to try pissing into the wind.”
While in the bathroom, rinse your mouth out with some of the real tequila you keep in a small flask in your pocket or purse. Your breath will smell, making the swigs of ice tea back at the scrabble table even more convincing and worrisome to the other players.
Each time it’s your turn to draw new letters from box or sack of letters, shout out something like, “Gimme an S! Gimme an S.” When you look at your new letter, let out a scream of joy, whether or drew an “S” or a “Q”.
Whenever you leave the scrabble table, make a point of peeking at the other players’ letters and making disquieting remarks like “Lots of luck getting rid of that “Q” or “Only a real loser would draw an “X”.
As often as possible challenge the spelling of a word and say something like, “I went to Yale and one thing they teach there is spelling, so don’t tell me how to spell firey. I know how to spell firey and phantasmaquorical, too, for that matter.”
Don’t play Scrabble with friends, at least not with friends you want to keep. Scrabble is not a friends type of game.