Dear Department of Homeland Security:
I am planning a trip to Europe in 2007.
Reading the newspapers, it sounds like you will start a dossier on me because I will leave and then re-enter the United States. The papers say this dossier will last 40 years and I will never be able to review it and correct any mistakes.
Maybe it would be a good idea if I just give you my information right now, instead of you having to dig it out from who knows where.
(I really, really don’t mean to offend anyone, but you have to admit that DHS occasionally makes mistakes when it compiles data about people. Couldn’t we at least avoid that in my case?)
First, I always try to snag an aisle seat. Yeah, I risk getting my elbow whacked by a flight attendant’s serving cart, but who wants to sit at the window and have a sweaty, 300-pounder in the middle seat crushing you into the bulkhead? Also, I avoid babies like the plague.
Whenever possible, I prefer the row with an emergency exit. Can’t help it. Just one of those odd tics that some people have. I certainly mean no disrespect to the FAA, CIA, DOD, OSHA or Michael Chertoff. (Honestly, I think Mike Chertoff is doing a fine job, an excellent job. Keep up the good work, Mikey.)
About inflight meals: I don’t mean to frustrate your data gathering, but I opt for the cheapest airfare possible. So my culinary choices are generally limited to peanuts or animal crackers. For me, peanuts all the way. And I never, ever wad up the empty package and slip it into the seat back pocket.
For inflight entertainment, I bring my laptop and earphones and listen to inspirational things, Dick Cheney Speeches to Live By or The Collected Briefings of Ari Fleisher and Mike McClellan. There was a flight a few weeks ago when I listened to the new CD Hillary Clinton Speeches Played Backwards.
Also, please put this in my dossier: I think President Bush is doing a fine job and I appreciate all the things he is doing to protect me from terrorists. I truly believe he is the best president we have had since President Nixon.
If you need any additional information, just let me know. I’m sure you know how to contact me.