I don’t want to seem paranoid or anything, but the Men in Black are back again. Every night now, three or four of their black Chevy Suburbans are parked outside my house until dawn. I’d estimate there are three or four MIBs per Suburban.
My neighbor is really upset because all through the night whenever a MIB has to do Number One, he climbs out and does it on this super expensive, rare ornamental shrub my neighbor imported from China last spring.
“Why don’t they pee on their own tires like a dog, or in the storm drain,” asked Gonzo. (Honest, that’s his name.) “Their pee is so acidic from the coffee they chug all night that my bush is going to be on life-support real soon.”
Gonzo asked me where he should send the bill when the shrub goes to the Great Beyond. I knew it would just set him off on a futile mission if I said he should send it to the CIA, or to Al Gonzales at the Justice Department. So I suggested he send it to FEMA and claim it as Katrina damages.
That seemed to satisfy him, at least for now.
The last time the MIBs spent nights outside my house, it was pretty clear I had been writing too much about Bush and Ashcroft, the preacher who was top dog at Justice before Gonzales. I learned my lesson that time around, so I’ve been quite circumspect ever since where Bush is concerned .
But it’s real hard to write about most anything going on these days without indirectly criticizing Bush, even if you don’t mention his name and stay completely away from the subject of Iraq.
I did come down pretty hard on Bush for doing away with habeas corpus, which I take personally because I figure I will need it sooner or later. But I actually defended him when some cable TV bloviator said Bush should be tossed overboard.
I did recently make fun of religious conservatives, which is an indirect criticism of the president. And how could I not write about Foleygate, which is another indirect slap at Bush, since both Bush and Foley belong to the same political party.
But I also find myself wondering if Tom DeLay could be behind the appearance of the MIBs. Maybe he thinks he has some score to settle with me because I couldn’t resist mentioning his name from time to time when he was Washington’s Mr. Big.
DeLay certainly made a point of saying he wasn’t going to leave the national stage quietly when he packed up and lit out for Texas. So maybe the current crop of MIBs are actually Texas storm troopers. That would make some sense, since the Suburban is Texas’ national automobile. It would also explain the peeing on the shrubbery.
My neighbor pointed out that some of the Suburbans have New York license plates. So right away you have to think about Hillary. She has a long reach, no question about that.
If Hillary is behind the MIBs, then I can only say that I admire her a lot and I would never write anything bad about her. In fact, if it will help her politically and also get rid of the MIBs, I’d be very happy to say that I think she would make a fine president someday.