Virginity, Global Warming Are Probably Overrated
News Item:
The State Department reported that July was one of the busiest months ever for new citizens to take their oath of allegiance to the United States of America.
Top Ten Reasons to Skip Becoming an American Citizen
If you are not an American citizen, you don’t have to worry that your eczema will suddenly flare up should you accidentally pass by a television and encounter Donald Rumsfeld testifying before Congress or holding a news conference.
As a non-citizen, when you travel to exotic foreign capitals, taxi drivers won’t make rude sounds and obscene gestures at you.
If you are not a citizen, you have no patriotic obligation to believe that the Bible’s Book of Revelations is actual fact or true in any respect.
If you are not an American citizen, you are permitted to believe that human activities, particularly the burning of fossil fuels, are causing global warming and that something really ought to be done about it.
As a non-citizen, you don’t have to spend one millisecond worrying about whether Jenna and Barbara Bush, who are now 24 years old and unmarried, are still virgins.
If you are not an American citizen, you have no obligation to care in the least if Britney Spears lets her infant son sit in her lap as she speeds about Malibu. You can just shake your head in self-righteous disdain and mutter something about how all Americans are as crazy as a Dutchman.
If you are not an American citizen, you can watch Jay Leno’s monologue on the Tonight Show and then turn to your spouse and say, “Why don’t the Americans make him their president?”
If you are not an American citizen, you can go to a Madonna concert, watch her simulate crucifying herself and then turn to your spouse and say: “That’s the answer. The Americans should make her their president.”
As a non-citizen, you will be spared the unpleasant duty of holding your nose as you vote for Hillary in 2008.
If you aren’t an American citizen, you don’t have to accept any responsibility for the mess that George W. Bush is making of the world.