Going to Harvard Doesn’t Solve all of Life’s Little Problems
“Thank you for calling the Emergency Dentist Help Line. How can I help you?”
“Are you really a dentist?”
“Yes, I am.”
“How can I be sure?”
“I could fax you my diploma. Do you have a fax number?”
“Where’d you go to dental school?”
“Harvard.”
“Harvard! Get outta here! What’re you doing answering some crappy dentist help line at 3 a.m. on a frigging Sunday morning?”
“I have a lot of bills to pay. My wife left me.”
“Oh, sorry Man. That’s a bummer. Been there… Took me a long time to get over that bitch.”
“How can I help you?”
“I’m not dissing you, Man, but I don’t want somebody who went to dental school in some place like Haiti or the Dominican Republic. Is there some secret Harvard code word you could give me so I know you’re for real?”
“Sure. How about this: Yale men sit down to pee?”
“Yeah, Man! That’s good enough for me.”
“O.K. So how can I help you?”
“I lost my bridge.”
Oh dear! Are you in pain?”
“Nah, I just want my bridge.”
“Have you tried chewing on the other side?”
“Yeah, but I don’t feel complete if I don’t have my bridge in.”
“Oh dear.”
“Can I tell you something?”
Of course you can. I’m here to help.”
“I can’t get an erection if I don’t have my bridge in.”
“You’d be surprised to know how many men have that problem.”
“Really?”
“There was a study that found six out of seven men between the ages of 55 and 85 can’t get an erection if they don’t have their dental appliance firmly in place.”
“Wow! That bad?”
“There was another study which found that 63 percent of the time a missing dental appliance is found underneath the cushions of a couch or easy chair.”
Yeah, Man, I thought of that. Already looked there.”
“When you take your bridge out, where do you usually place it?”
“In a coffee cup on the top of the toilet tank.”
“Have you looked there, in the coffee cup?”
“Hey, Man! Good idea.”
“I’ll wait if you want to put the phone down and go look.”
“I’ve got of them portable phones. I’ll just take you along to the bathroom.”
“Great!”
“Bummer, Man. The coffee cup is empty.”
“Is the toilet seat up?”
Yeah, I never put it down. Why bother?”
“Perhaps your bridge is in the toilet?”
“Wow! Hold on and I’ll look… Hey, Man! It’s there, in the bottom of the toilet.”
“That’s great! All you have to do is reach down in there and get it.”
“Umm… there’s a problem… It’s been a while since the toilet… umm… since it’s been flushed.”
“You’ll just have to find a way to reach down in there and get it.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Let me give you a final piece of advice.”
“Shoot, man.”
“Don’t flush the toilet before you get your bridge out. Repeat. Don’t flush first.”
“Don’t flush first. Got it, Man.”
“Thank you for calling the Emergency Dentist Help Line. Call us any time you have a dental emergency.”
“Yeah, Man. Thanks.”