Best to Get It out Right up Front and Avoid Oprah’s Wrath
Memo to:
Phil Schwartzman
Literary Agent
New York, N.Y.
Dear Phil:
Enclosed is the book proposal for my memoir that we discussed. The working title is “My Life, Lived”. I think this could be a “big” book, a ground breaking “concept” book that could land on the NYT’s list and make us all a lot of money.
In light of the recent uproar about memoirs and authors’ faulty memories, I want to disclose right up front some “special items” that will be in the manuscript that you and the publisher should be aware of.
1. Pocahontas was not my great-grandmother. My ancestors were cattle drovers and farmers in Tennessee and later Texas. However, I have always felt a connection to Pocahontas — and all native Americans, for that matter — and I feel writing about my native American past will provide a compelling leitmotif throughout the book as my story of life lived to its fullest unfolds.
2. I did not live in Baltimore and I was never a jockey at Pimlico. Also, if I am to be perfectly honest here, I never rode a mount in the Preakness. However, I did visit Baltimore once and a Greyline tour I took drove past Pimlico. I think my stories of Chesapeake Bay crab cakes and the excitement that inevitably surrounds horse racing will make an important statement about my life.
3. I did not live in Mexico City and I was not the prisoner and sex slave of a Mayan princess. However, I did read about Mexico in an online encyclopedia and I once saw a program on the Discovery Channel about the ancient Mayans. I do think that recounting my Mexico experiences will be a lively section in the book. Plus, my adventures with the Mayan princess will echo the native American themes of the Pocahontas section.
4. I was not a mergers and acquisitions lawyer on Wall Street and I did not tell Bob Rubin to go you-know-what himself one day in an elevator. However, any American’s life is missing a critical dimension if it does not include some time as a lawyer, or at the very least a stockbroker. Also, I think telling the story of my years on Wall Street will dovetail nicely — in a thematic sense — with the horse racing part of the book. After all, Wall Street and horse racing are both forms of gambling.
5. I was not a ghost writer for Johnny Carson, although I certainly watched a lot of his monologues and could write one for him blindfolded were he to suddenly come back from the dead and want to do a stand up comedy routine or two. I think my tales about hanging out with Carson will give the book a humorous touch that will go a long way toward enchanting readers. Also, the Carson ghostwriting section will help explain how I landed on Bill Clinton’s staff as a speech writer. It will also allow me to work in Monika and make some points about the decline of morals in modern America.
So, that’s everything — more or less — in the book that a critical reader or some muckraking journalist could quarrel with.
Oh, almost forgot. My sister did not commit suicide in front of me. I never had a sister. However, every life story should have a suicide in it, just for flavoring, don’t you think?
Looking forward to hearing some good news as you shop this project to publishers.