Satirium

To: Board of Directors
From: Executive Committee
Re: Emergency Action Plan

Due to the recent unfortunate news reports about tourists bitten by bedbugs in a four star New York hotel (reports that were highly exaggerated and grossly over the top in terms of inaccuracy), the Executive Committee voted unanimously to implement an Emergency Action Plan to Celebrate the Wonders of the Bedbug.

The Emergency Action Plan will do the following:

– Congressional Outreach. As you know, NCBP’s Political Action Committee (BUGPAC) has given $20,000 a year to Congressman DeLay’s campaign fund for several years. Although the Congressman is under indictment in Texas and has temporarily stepped down as House Majority Leader, he remains a friend of the bedbug, as does his staff.
We will work with the Congressman’s staff to pass legislation requiring federal licensing for anyone who wishes to control a bedbug infestation and narrowly defining what constitutes a bedbug infestation that can legally be controlled. We will seek criminal penalties (including jail time) for anyone who illegally tries to control bedbugs. We will also seek the Congressman’s help in achieving our goal of having Congress designate the bedbug as the National Insect.

– National Bedbug Day. BUGPAC gave more than $100,000 to President Bush’s re-election campaign last year. We will work with the White House and the Republican National Committee to finally reach our goal of having an annual National Bedbug Day and an official presidential proclamation that declares the day each year. We will also seek a photo opportunity in conjunction with National Bedbug Day in which the President meets that year’s Bedbug of the Year and poses for photographs.

– Adopt a Bedbug Campaign. We will launch a national Adopt a Bedbug Campaign that will include feature articles in major newspapers like The New York Times, Washington Post, and The Los Angeles Times. We will arrange for national television programs such as “Today”, “Hardball”, and “60 Minutes” to publicize the joys of owning bedbugs and the financial security opportunities for families who wish to breed and raise bedbugs for profit.

– Bedbugs as a National Energy Source. Working with the White House, Congress, NASA, and the Department of Energy, we will promote research into the potential for bedbugs to become an alternative energy source that could significantly reduce the nation’s dependence on crude oil imported from other countries. Most people are completely unaware that a kilogram of bedbugs contains as much stored energy as five gallons of gasoline.

– Bedbugs as a Biological Weapon. Using the publicity technique of the leaked secret memo, we will promote the bedbug as a biological weapon that can be used in the war on terror. The long term goal is for the Department of Defense and other Federal agencies to undertake classified research into use of bedbugs as biological weapons that can be easily transported and used as a “rifle shot” weapon, rather than as a weapon that must be widely disseminated in an inefficient manner. Bedbugs could save billions of dollars when used as a biological weapon, compared to other such weapons.

Please contact any member of the Executive Committee if you have any comments or see other “sure fire” initiatives that might be included in this Emergency Action Plan.