Thankfully, the Legal Profession Is Allowed to Advertise
Recent law firm advertisements that we liked a lot:
Did you recently kill your husband? We have an 85% acquittal or probation-only success rate for women who stepped over the line and let hubby have the Big One. In 30 years of practice in Texas, only three clients have been executed and another 200 served an average sentence of only 14 years. The rest went free. Call today. (Our mother answers the phone. She let Daddy have it 19 years ago and didn’t spend one minute behind bars.) Hingham, Hingham and Hingham, LLC, Dallas
Threw up on a cop during the sobriety test? Every one of the 200 Harvard- and Yale-trained DUI lawyers at our firm have been arrested for DUI at least once. They know all the technicalities and other tricks to get your unfortunate episode behind you as quickly as possible and without a blemish on your record. We can even keep your spouse and your employer from finding out. With our lawyers, you receive sympathy, not a lecture. Get a free bottle of gin and a martini shaker with each no-obligation initial consultation. (While supplies last.) Call now. Operators are standing by. Fallington, Wobbleton and Boozeman, Lawyers.
Attention Amish men in Lancaster County We specialize in representing male members of religious sects who have been accused of raping their sisters or daughters. Why spend 30 years in prison for doing something that everyone in your respected culture has been doing for centuries? Our lawyers are experts in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the separation of church and state. They know how to defend your religious freedom and convince the courts to respect your age-old familial customs. (Sorry, we cannot represent men accused of raping their mothers.) So if you have a rape charge hanging over you, get in the buggy and come on over. Or if you are presently in jail, get a family member to clip-clop on down the highway. Sneed, Sniderman and Sedley, Domestic Relations Lawyers
Were you tricked by undercover cops? Or maybe your phone was tapped? You do have rights and we will see to it that you take full advantage of them. Loopholes? We invented them. We specialize in defending businessmen accused of marketing illegal substances or operating franchises that conservative members of society, such as religious zealots, disapprove of. We offer special bulk pricing of our services to members of large immigrant families of Mediterranean origin. Sorry, we cannot represent law enforcement personnel who are under indictment. All Muslim male clients must be clean-shaven at all times. Call now. Closed on Saturdays. Finkelstein and Finkelstein , LLC, New York City.