Acting Ethically at 1600 Pennsylvania Requies Lots of Exceptions
Satirium found excerpts from the upcoming White House ethics course for staff members under the Lafaytte Park bench where Cindy Sheehan sleeps.
Rule 7
White House staff members must never answer a direct question from the President with a lie.
Exceptions:
Fibs OK after 2p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and all day on Sundays; also during any bike ride with the President.
Bald-faced lies OK at any time if the matter under discussion involves: a) national security; b) surveillance of political foes by the FBI, CIA, NSA, DOD, FAA, FEC or OHSA; c) political fundraising when the dollar amount involved is more than $10; d) mothers of dead soldiers; e) the latest poll numbers; f) reporters’ shouted questions during photo opportunities.
White lies are permitted at any time except all day February 29 during any leap year.
Rule 14
White House staff members must never mislead the Press Secretary when he/she is preparing a response to reporters’ questions.
Exceptions:
Bald-faced lies are permitted at all times if the query comes from The New York Times, The Washington Post, or The Los Angeles Times.
If the query comes from Fox News, it doesn’t matter what they are told. They will have already received the daily Talking Points for the Media Bulletin and will be carefully following it in their news coverage.
Bald-faced lies, fibs, and white lies may be used indiscriminately in response to a query from any member of the media if the subject involves: a) aggressive interrogation of non-American detainees held anywhere in the world for any reason; b) any fall, collision, or laggard performance by the President when riding a bicycle; c) extemporaneous remarks by the President in when which he strays off message; d) public drunkenness or any form of lascivious behavior by the President’s two daughters.
Rule 23
White House staff members with security clearances shall not reveal any classified information to any person who does not have a security clearance of at least the same level.
Exceptions:
Disclosure of the secret information would likely result in a first ever front page story in The New York Times favorable to the President.
Disclosure of the secret information would dramatically raise the poll numbers.
Disclosure of secret Powerball lottery numbers to select Republican party operatives in Ohio when the jackpot is more than $100 million is permitted.