At Last, a Glimpse into One of Washington’s Most Exotic Venues
To prove to reporters camped on the doorstep that her husband was not at home, Karl Rove’s wife opened the garage door to show that his car was gone. A quick-witted Associated Press photographer recorded the historic moment.
Satirium, equipped with the latest technology to screen baggage at airports and look for nuclear weapons hidden in cargo containers, identified key components in the garage inventory.
A. The garage centerpiece: a packing crate in which a former K Street lobbyist associated with Jack Abramoff and Tom DeLay lives. Hosting the homeless lobbyist, now known only as Moondog, is the Rove family’s form of Republican noblesse oblige.
B. A two-foot high stack of old Mary McGrory columns in this plastic container hides the missing Texas National Guard documents related to George W. Bush’s service during the Vietnam War.
C. Hidden behind this suitcase is the cell phone scrambler antenna that allows Rove to talk in complete privacy with the White House whenever he wants without having to worry about NSA intercepts.
D. Contains a clown costume complete with rubber nose and a wide selection of grease paints. Rove dons the clown disguise and patrols shopping malls during weekends seeking to learn what the people really think, not what they tell pollsters.
E. It looks like a paint can, but it contains the cell phone unscrambler intercept antenna that Howard Dean planted while disguised as a Jehovah’s Witness picking up old clothes for the poor. The antenna has never worked right and currently receives only the audio track of Iraqi reality televison programs broadcast from Baghdad.
F. The unicycle that Rove rides in shopping malls on weekends while wearing the clown costume (see D, above).
G. When Rove is trapped by hordes of media out front, he lowers this step ladder with a rope from the second floor bathroom window at the rear of the house. He then climbs down and flees down the hill to a storm drain, which he uses to come out near the Russian embassy. A limo ordered using the cell phone scrambler (see C above) picks him up.
H. Two dozen autographed copies of the newly self-published collection of adulatory memos written by Harriet Miers to President Bush, entitled Dear Leader Volume I. With a forward by John McCain.
I. Moondog’s underwear, which he hung up to dry after washing them the night before with the garden hose in the backyard.
J. Contains a complete set of Captain America comic books from 1958 through 1964.
K. Three times a day, the Rove family maid/cook leaves a plate of food for the former K Street lobbyist to eat when he emerges from his packing crate (see A above).