Runner-up Protested a Sudden Breeze, but Meteorologist Said No
Buster (Moose) Peyton won the Toothless Tobacco Chewers National Spitting Contest last weekend in Pine Cave, Kentucky with a squirt of 33 feet, 3 inches. It was the third consecutive national win for Peyton, who says he practices his sport “every single day of the year, including Christmas, Sundays, and my birthday.”
Peyton again edged out Roscoe Covington of Elida, New Mexico, whose best tobacco juice squirt was 32 feet, 11 inches. The Peyton-Covington dual during the past three years thrilled toothless tobacco spitting fans as the two men taunted one another with insults and contrived disputes worthy of professional wrestlers.
Covington filed a protest of the judge’s distance measurement based on a sudden breeze that he claimed impeded his best effort. But the protest was denied by the Ground Jury in a 3-2 decision after the contest meteorologist said his anemometer measured a brief air current of 3 miles per hour. A breeze greater than 8 m.p.h is required to sustain a protest and permit a contestant to re-spit.
Standing in the winner’s circle holding his silver-plated first prize spittoon aloft and revealing his broken teeth with a happy grin, Peyton gave the usual winner’s thanks to his wife, children, and badger hound. But he also made a point of thanking his minister, Rev. Clyde Smythe of the Third Southern Baptist Church.
“I couldn’t have done this without the constant encouragement and support of Reverend Clyde,” Peyton said. “Lots of ministers would look down on a red neck like me and try to get him to stop chawing. But Rev. Clyde said it was entirely possible that Jesus might have chewed if they’d had chaw in them days, which they didn’t. The Rev’s prayers and support is what’s putting me at the top of this here sport.”
Peyton and Rev. Smythe knelt in prayer for several minutes before the champion stepped up to the spit line, hacked up his three squirts and sent them flying across the grassy football field at Pine Cave High School.
A crowd estimated at 1,000 sat in the bleachers for the final duel between Peyton and Covington. Scantily-clad cheerleaders dueled with one another to cheer on the Peyton and Covington factions. Before each spit, the umpire would signal for silence. A hushed, expectant crowd would await the moment that the tobacco juice had been sent on its way and then burst into applause, whistles, and cheers.
More than 100 contestants from as far away as Alaska and Maine entered this year’s contest. To qualify, a spitter must have at least three missing teeth, one of which must be a front tooth. Volunteer dentists certify a contestant’s eligibility before the contest begins.
Spitters are sorted into a competition ladder with the top spitters given cedes, much like a tennis tournament. Each match between two contestants consists of three sessions of three spits each, with a 20 minute chewing period between each spitting session. The single longest distance for a squirt wins that particular match. The winner advances up the ladder.
Covington had the lead after the first two sessions against Peyton. But in the final 20-minute chew period, Peyton emptied out his mouth of old chaw, cleansed it thoroughly with Mountain Dew and then stuffed a prodigious amount Red Man into both cheeks. Then he paced about agitatedly as he built up a mouth full of saliva.
After a final moment of prayer with Rev. Clyde, Peyton stepped up to the spit line, stared into the distance meditatively, then reared back and with a violent forward thrust of his head let fly with his winning squirt.