Pass Less Gas and Feed White Mice to the Boss’ Snake
Research shows that most people do not realize the extent to which personality quirks, tics, odd behavior, and insensitivity can hold back a career. Now is the time to take action and make a clean sweep of all those annoying little things that are keeping a raise and a better job title on hold.
No-no: Each time you pass your boss in the hall, do not snap to attention, give the Nazi salute, and shout “Ja! Mein Capitan!” The salute is okay. In fact, it’s a very appropriate show of your obedience, fealty, reverence, and recognition of who has the power. Instead, do this: Give the Nazi salute and then shout out something like, “Si, si, Generalissimo” or “Howdy there, Big Cahuna!” Or, you could try this, which is sure to melt the toughest boss: “Yes, yes, Enlightened One, Most Learned and Royal Master of the Universe, Shining Light Who Guides Us All.”
No-no: Keeping things that slither, hiss, or eat white mice in a single gulp in your pod; for example, a boa constrictor or a Komodo dragon. Instead, get a couple of Guinea pigs, particularly if your boss is a woman and you are a hulking dork of a man. Gerbils or hamsters are also great pod creatures and the cuddly little things can show off your sensitive side. White mice are okay, particularly if your supervisor keeps in his or her office something that slithers, hisses and eats white mice in a single gulp. You’ll win countless brownie points by occasionally feeding one of your white mice to the boss’ slithery pet.
No-no: Excessive farting in your pod. A Harvard Business School study found that passing excessive amounts of gas in the work place is the number one impediment to career advancement. Pardon our indelicacy here, but no one wants to come into your pod and wonder if they’ve stumbled into the bathroom. Here are some solutions: (1) Consult a gastroenterologist and obtain appropriate medical treatment. (2) Each time you pass gas in your pod, shout out loudly, “Who cut the cheese?” (older workers) or “Dude, like someone just farted!” (younger workers). (3) Run into another pod, let it loose, then run back to your pod.
No-no: Holding a whispered conversation in a crowded elevator. Few things can brand you as not a team player quicker than having a private conversation in an elevator while surrounded by fellow workers. So speak up and let them hear what you are saying. It will show everyone that you are a true team player and that you are witty, prescient, well informed, and fun to be around. By the way, the same thing goes for telephone conversations in your pod with a lover, spouse, or divorce attorney. Talk loud enough so everyone can listen in. Letting others overhear your personal conversations is a sign of leadership potential.