Dubya’s Financial Planners Bet Big on Global Warming
I called my cousin Eddie in Houston the other day. He told me the strangest story about global warming.
Eddie works for one of the big engineering firms that does the engineering work for factories, housing developments, shopping malls, refineries, and things like that. After we finished catching up on family gossip, I said, “So how’s work?”
“You’ll never guess what has this town buzzing like crazy,” he said.
“Bigger buzz than Enron’s collapse?” I asked.
“Way bigger. One of our competitors has been hired by a big landowner to figure out where the beach will be when the Gulf of Mexico reaches his land as the polar ice caps melt.”
“This is a global warming joke, right?”
“No way, Dude. It’s for real. Word is it’s a three million dollar contract. Couple thousand acres of land. He wants to know where the beach will be and where he should plan on having lots for sale with a view of the water.”
“Where’s the land?”
“That’s what’s so weird. It’s somewhere south of Dallas and west of Waco.”
“That’s absurd. What’s the altitude of Waco? Four hundred feet or so above sea level?”
“Yeah. When the Gulf reaches Waco, all of Florida will be underwater.”
“This has to be some kind of rich man’s prank or else he’s a loony off the deep end.”
“Everybody says the guy’s dead serious,” Eddie said.
As he spoke, I pulled my road atlas down from a shelf and flipped it open to Texas. “How far west of Waco?” I asked.
“About twenty miles. I know what you’re thinking. Others have had the same idea.”
“Dubya’s so-called ranch is west of Waco.”
“Bingo, Baby. You get the prize,” Eddie said. “Some people in the engineering trade around here have already made note of that.”
“But Dubya doesn’t believe in global warming,” I said. “He’s very firm about it. Won’t support the Kyoto treaty. Pooh-poohs research into global warming. The landowner has to be someone else, someone who believes big time in global warming.”
“I searched a property database we subscribe to. Dubya’s land sort of fits. There’s a couple of other tracts of land, but they can be eliminated for one reason or another.”
“And you’re sure this is not a joke?”
“No. Like I say, it’s the real deal. Usually reliable sources and all that.”
I sat in silence, my mind racing. Why would the president of the United States be dismissive of the threat of global warming and at the same time be preparing for it where land of his own is concerned?
“Who’s the engineering firm that’s doing this work?” I asked. “Surely somebody has followed their crews to see where they go?”
“They helicopter the survey crews in and out at night. It’s great secrecy,” Eddie said.
“Who’s the engineering firm?”
“A subsidiary of Kellogg Brown and Root,” Eddie said.
“Whoa, man! A Halliburton engineering firm is doing the work?”
“Can you see why Houston is buzzing?”
“It just doesn’t make sense. How can Dubya be against the idea of global warming and be seriously figuring out how to turn his land into a beach front and villas by the sea?” I asked.
“Want to hear my theory?”
“Sure.”
“He’s got people who look after his financial future,” Eddie said. “All rich people do. Right?”
“Sure.”
“So Dubya says, ‘Come up with a plan to maximize the value of my ranch for the future.’ And his money guys say, ‘Yes Sir.’ Still with me?”
“Yeah.”
“So it doesnt matter to the money guys whether Bush believes in global warming or not. They look around and say, ‘The smart money will bet on Waco, Texas becoming Gulf of Mexico beach front.”
“You may be right,” I said. “Sort of like Iraq?”
“You bet,” Eddie said. “Dubya said to his people, ‘Find a reason to get rid of Saddam.’ Then he let them do their thing. They rolled out the threat of weapons of mass destruction that Saddam would soon unleash on the world.”
“And it turned out there were none.”
“Now it’s Social Security.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Bush says to his people, ‘I want my legacy to be scaling back Roosevelt’s New Deal.’
And so they scratch around and come up with a plan to declare that Social Security is in crisis and has to be fixed.”
“But it’s not really in a crisis?”
“Of course not. That’s the kind of management they teach at the Harvard Business School,” Eddie said. “Clever, no?”
It’s always interesting to talk to my cousin Eddie.