Holding His Breath Waiting for the Price of a Beer to Hit $15
Man, can you believe it? Did you see what Stern did? He’s gonna kill professional basketball. Finally, the commissioner kills the sport. Only 48 ounces of beer during a game! That’s what he’s done. I’m gonna sue. Somebody call a lawyer.
A fan can only buy 48 ounces of beer. Do you know how much beer that is? I do. I went out into the kitchen and got a bottle out of the refrigerator. One bottle, one measly little bottle of beer is 12 ounces. Divide 48 by 12 and what do you get? David Stern’s IQ. Ha, ha, ha. That’s a good one. Have to remember that one.
You divide 48 by 12 and you get four. Four bottles of beer. That’s how much beer you can drink at an NBA game. All because of that jerk Artest. If he hadn’t blown his cool, we have none of this nonsense. Four bottles of beer!
Man, there’s no way I can get through a game on only four bottles of beer. No way. Maybe four bottles in a quarter. Yeah, I can handle that. Sounds about right, four bottles in a quarter. But four bottles for an entire game? That’s one bottle of beer per quarter.
Divide four bottles by four quarters and what do you get? Ron Artest’s IQ. Ha, ha. That’s a good one. Have to remember that one, too.
You know what this means, don’t you? They’ll raise the price. How long until you see a bottle of beer for $15? How long? About ten minutes, I’d say. Time now to play the same old game, Gouge the Fan.
Look, it’s a matter of economics. So the team owner is selling a million dollars worth of beer in a season. Now, Mr. Holier Than Thou Commissioner comes along and says, sorry you can only sell half as much beer as you used to. So what’s the poor old owner to do? He ain’t giving up $500,000 in moola. No sir. He wants his million dollars in beer.
So he doubles the price of beer. After all, he needs the money to pay the crybaby players’ salaries.
You think I’m joking when I say you’ll see $15 beer? Think again, pal.
And people will pay it. Sure they will. How can you watch basketball without beer? It’s like mom and apple pie, although I’ve never really liked apple pie.
So everybody digs deeper and forks over for $15 beer. Know what happens next? Oh, come on. Sure you know. Next they raise prices all over the place. How long before you see a $10 hot dog? Sooner or later you’ll see $50 to park your car.
I’ll tell you, man. No way can I get through a game on just four beers.