Certainly, You Will Want to Paint the Basement Floor
Dear Homeowner:
I like your house. I mean… well, at least the price is right.
But didn’t your real estate agent give you some coaching about making it a tad more presentable? It’s really none of my business, but …
The Color Purple Of course, if I bought your house, I could paint over the purple in all the bedrooms and steam off the purple wall paper in the living room and the dining room. And rip up the purple carpet. But purple bathtubs, toilets and lavatories in all four bathrooms? And the purple sink in the kitchen? The real estate agent mentioned something about a recent divorce. Take it from me, Prozac can make a big difference.
Bats in the Belfry That’s a joke, the belfry part, that is. I know your house doesn’t have a belfry. Did you know you have bats in the attic? Your real estate agent seemed surprised when I mentioned them. Take a look. But look during the day, because they go out and hunt at night and fill up their little stomachs. Then they come home, hang upside down from the rafters in the attic during the day, and, shall we say, poop it all out. That’s what those little black things on the attic floor are. By the way, bat guano makes great fertilizer, although I gather from your backyard that you don’t have much time for gardening.
A Bat in the Toilet I found a dead bat floating in the toilet in the guest bathroom on the second floor. I can’t imagine how it got there! However, I recommend that you not try to handle the problem by just flushing the toilet. Take it from me, I know of what I speak. Some people say bats make great pets, but I’ve never seen the attraction.
Newspapers in the Garage That’s quite a collection of newspapers you have. If it weren’t so faded, the one where the entire front page is devoted to President Roosevelt’s death might be worth a lot of money. Also, the one about dropping the atomic bomb on Japan and the one where President Truman is holding up the newspaper that says Dewey won the presidential election could be worth something. There must a lot of papers like that in your pile. Too bad about all the damage the mice have done. You do know you have a bit of a mouse problem in the garage? Right?
Dead bolts on the Bedroom Doors It’s so hard to find a good handyman these days. Isn’t it the truth? You must have been furious with whoever installed dead bolts on all the bedroom doors when they installed them backwards. How could anyone be so dumb? Didn’t they at least test it after they finished? I mean, it’s pretty obvious to me that if you used any of the bedroom dead bolts you would be locking someone inside the bedroom, not locking someone out of the bedroom. I hope whoever did that didn’t charge you too much.
A Spotless Basement I must say, you get the cleanest basement award. In fact, I’ve never seen such a neat basement. And you painted the concrete floor! I can’t recall ever seeing something like that in my search for a new home. Myself, I would have used a neutral gray instead of bright red, but each to his own.
Home Inspection I should alert you that if I make an offer on your house I will want a contingency clause that the house has to pass an inspection. I usually use my cousin Elmer for that. He’s a pro. For sure he’s going to ask you about that spot over in the corner of the basement where it looks somebody used a jack hammer to open up a hole in the floor and then it was filled in with new concrete. It’s over in the corner behind the furnace. It’s hard to see because of the paint, but it’s there. Looks like it was six or eight feet long and three feet wide. Was that a sewer repair?
Sincerely,